Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt!! Tequila.... yum

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.

You're an 80's child if...

You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.

You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.

You know the profound meaning of ''Wax on, Wax off.''

You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours!!!!!!

You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.

You hold a special place in your heart for ''Back to the Future.''

You know where to go if you ''Wanna go where everybody knows your name.''

You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants

You wanted to be a Goonie - (hey u guyz!!) LOL

You owned an extensive collection of Cabbage Patch Kids and trolls.

You ever wore fluorescent -neon if you will clothing...(or nail polish)

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)

You know all the words to ''Ice Ice Baby''.

You remember MC hammer well.

You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"

You own any cassettes.

You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from PizzaHut.

Poltergeist freaked you out.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

You wanted to have an alien like Alf living in your house.

You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.

You wore tights under shorts and felt stylish.

You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a ''Child of the 80's.''

Here are some pretty solid reasons why alcohol should be served at work...

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.

You can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control at a Fast Food Resturant?


When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.

Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!

Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.

When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.

After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.

When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.

As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.

Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

(This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment & ask if they will give their home phone # so you can call them back. When the Telemarketer explains that they can't give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

 Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Reasons Why Cookie Dough is Better than Men...

 It's enjoyable hard or soft.

It makes a mess too, but it tastes better. 

It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.

You always want to swallow.

 It won't complain if you share it with friends. 

It's "quick and convenient".

 It comes already protectively wrapped. 

You can make it as large as you want. 

If you don't finish it you can save it for later. 

You know the cookie dough hasn't been eaten before.

It won't complain if you chew on it.

It comes chocolate flavored.

You always know when to get rid of it.

You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.

You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.

It won't wake you up because it's hard.

You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.

You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.

You know what the extra weight is from.

It never has an insecurity problem with its size.

You can sculpt it into ANY form you want.

Here are the best headlines of the year (yes, they are real)...

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teachers Strike Idle Kids

Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp!

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12!

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10!

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated!

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass!

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.!

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook!

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him!

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass!

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T!"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me!"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry!"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!.